Talentless Tellius
by HaveAHeart0301
Summary: With an overly-hyper host, three witty judges, and some of the craziest contestants around, Tellius's talent show has become the new most talked about thing. Who will go home? Who will move on to the next round? And who will be the champion?
1. Chapter 1

**Talent-_less_ Tellius**

_A/N: Not sure if I'm making this a one-shot or not. Depends on whether you all like it or not. So if you like it and want me to continue, please review!_

_--_

The stage was set. The lights were ready. The crowd was gathered. The judges were seated. The contestants were lined up. And the host was, well, annoying.

"Ah, welcome, everyone, ladies and gentlemen, lords and countrymen, queens and kings, to Tellius's own test of will, determination, skill, endurance, and best of all…

"TALENT!" boomed the host.

And of course, as you all could guess, the obnoxious host was none other than Bastian, the Count of Fayre.

The crowd sighed. Bastian could be quite annoying at times.

"Now, to meet the judges!

"First, we have…Princess Leanne!"

"Uhh…hi…everyone," Leanne said sweetly.

"Next, we have the master tactician, Soren!"

"Shut it, Bastian," Soren remarked rather rudely, I might add.

"No, Soren, I will not 'shut it,' for now I must introduce our last judge…the fair Lady Lucia! My one true love! Milady! I love you!"

Lucia shook her head and hit her button, which made a loud buzzing noise.

"You're an embarrassment, Count Bastian."

"Ahh…such a compliment coming from you…hey! Wait a minute!"

"…Bastian…"

"Oh, yes, on with the competition! Our first competitor is…Sir Kieran!"

Kieran walked onto the stage, bringing with him three axes.

"So, Kieran, what are you going to do?"

"Well, Soren, I am going to juggle axes for your entertainment!"

Lucia and Soren looked at each other worriedly.

"This will end…badly…"

"Most likely."

"Okay, Kieran, get on with it."

"Yes, sir!"

Kieran then attempts to juggle his three axes. When he throws them up in the air, one comes back down and cuts his foot. Another zips past Leanne's head, missing her. And the last…got stuck in the ceiling and wouldn't come back down.

Lucia and Soren immediately hit their buttons. Leanne is too stunned to do anything.

"Please…someone…make…it…stop…"

Soren hit Leanne's buzzer for her.

"T-thank y-you."

"So…do I make it through?"

"Uhh…Soren? Leanne?"

"Uhh…no…"

"No way!"

"It's a no for me too. Sorry, Kieran.

"B-but! I was GREAT!"

"Janaff!"

Janaff, the security guard, comes on stage, grabs Kieran--who is still whining like a baby--and drags him off-stage.

"Thanks, Janaff!"

--

"Ahh…and for our next act, we have…General Geoffrey!"

"Oh great. It's my brother. His talent's probably knitting or something stupid like that."

Geoffrey walks out on stage.

"So, Geoffrey, what is your talent?"

"I'm going to knit a sweater."

"Told you."

"Uh-huh. So go ahead, Geoffrey."

"Okay."

Geoffrey pulled out light violet and pale yellow yarns and knitting needles and began knitting quite quickly.

Soren hits his buzzer.

Geoffrey finished his sweater within ninety seconds.

"Here, Lucia. I made this sweater for you."

Geoffrey handed his newly made sweater to his sister.

"Aww, thanks, Geoffrey!"

Lucia set the sweater down on the table and hit her button.

"That wasn't nice."

"Your point, Soren?"

Soren sighed.

"Okay, Geoffrey, I say no. Leanne?"

"Y-yes. I like sweater."

"That's nice…Lucia?"

"Geoffrey, you're going…home!"

"W-what? Come on guys, knitting's cool!"

"Never said it wasn't. I just don't like you. Good-bye."

Geoffrey walked off stage.

"NEXT!"

--

"Yes, up next, we have…Duke Oliver?"

"Yes, Bastian. Now shut up."

Oliver walked out on stage with Reyson and Rafiel on leashes.

"My brothers?"

"Leanne…"

"…please…"

"…help…"

"…us…"

Leanne hits her button.

"Oliver, what is your talent?"

"I am a collector of beauty!"

"Freak."

Lucia hits her button.

"You know, Leanne, you too could be in my exhibit!"

"Umm…er…no!"

Leanne hits Soren's button.

"Get him away!"

Janaff flies out, unties Reyson and Rafiel--who leave the stage--and takes Oliver off the stage.

"That was disturbing."

"Yes."

"V-very."

--

"And last but not least, we have…Queen Nailah!"

Nailah and Volug--who is carrying a bookshelf--come onto the stage. Volug sets the bookshelf down and walks off-stage.

Some music starts playing and Nailah begins dusting the bookshelf with her tail.

Soren hits his button.

Bastian and Soren look confused.

Nailah finished dusting off the shelf and the music stopped.

"I say no."

"Oh come on, Soren! It's the best we've seen all day! I say yes. Leanne?"

"You dust my house?"

"Sure, Leanne."

"Then I say yes."

"Nailah, you're going to Sienne!"

"Woo-hoo!"

--

So Nailah dominated the first day of Talent-_less _Tellius, while Kieran, Geoffrey, and Oliver were eliminated. Will the judges have better luck next time? Stay tuned to find out!

--

_A/N: Okay, so credit goes to my cousin for help with the Nailah and Geoffrey ideas. And for the record, I have no problem whatsoever with knitting, which I find extremely challenging, it's just not talent show material. Right?_

_So, as I've said, I don't know if this will be a one-shot or not. I have a few more ideas, but if no one's interested in it, I probably won't write it, considering I have a few other fics I'm working on. So if you like it, let me know!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Talent-**_**less **_**Tellius**

**Chapter Two: Round Two**

_A/N: Sorry I took so long to update this, I honestly forgot all about it. I think the only requests I had were from fullmoonsage, so let's get started!_

_--_

_Quick recap: Nailah's dusting earned her a spot in the finals, while knitting, axe-juggling, and 'beauty collecting' sent Geoffrey, Kieran, and Oliver packing._

_--_

"Welcome once again everyone to Tellius's most interesting, most talented, and best of all, most popular show! I, Bastian, will be your host for this evening--every evening for that matter! Now to introduce our judges... We have the lovely Princess Leanne! Master Soren! and...the fairest of them all, Lady Lucia! Now, on to our first act!"

Soren glanced at Lucia, a confused look plastered on his face.

"Why's he talking so fast? And he didn't even comment about how he wants you to marry him or anything..."

The girl laughed.

"Renning told him that if he kept talking through the whole show and not letting us get more contestants on, he'd fire him."

"Oh, that explains it then. He probably disliked Bastian flirting with you anyway."

Lucia blushed and looked away.

"Our first contestant is...Tormod!"

Tormod came out on the stage, pushing Bastian behind the curtain. All three judges rolled their eyes when they saw that Tormod was dressed exactly like a certain sage they knew.

"So, Tormod, what exactly do you have...planned?"

"I will be doing an impersonation of Count Bastian, by flirting with the Lady Lucia!"

Lucia sighed.

"As if I don't have enough problems already... Just get it over with."

"Yes, Milady. Ahem!"

The mage walked over to Lucia and grabbed her hand.

"Ahh... Lady Lucia. What an exquisite pleasure it is the be in your presence! Please, my dear, allow me to place a kiss upon your creamy white hand. 'Tis nothing I'd enjoy more than that and I won't take no for an answer! Your beauty is far grander than that of anything that has ever calmly strolled this continent! Nay, this world!"

The mage kissed her hand, at which point Janaff flew out on stage and tapped on his shoulder.

"A note from the producer..."

"T-thank you, Janaff."

Tormod nervously opened the letter and read through it. He quickly let go of Lucia's hand and walked back on stage, stuffing the note in his pocket.

"O-okay, that's all! Haha..."

Leanne glanced over at Soren, who was, by this time, chuckling.

"What did...letter say?"

"Renning just threatened that he'd do...things...to Tormod if he didn't stop flirting with Lucia. OW!"

Soren clutched his throbbing leg as he glared over at the woman to his left. Why did she have to wear those high heels? Better yet, why did she have to kick him?! She only smirked and turned back around as the real Count Bastian stepped up on stage.

"Well, judges, what's the decision? Personally, I'd say it was awful. Nothing like me at all! I--"

"Bastian, frankly, we don't care. Lucia, you're first."

"Well, I definitely say no."

"Leanne?"

"Umm...yes?"

"Woo-hoo!"

"You still have to get past Soren."

Lucia chuckled. Soren rubbed his leg and smirked.

"I say yes."

"W-what?! SOREN!"

"Haha, sorry about your luck, Lucia. We'll see you in Sienne, Tormod...or Bastian, which ever you prefer."

"Yes!! Hahaha!!"

The sage bounced off stage as Bastian and Lucia shook their heads.

"Ahh, now time for our next contestant! Sothe! You're up on this marvelous show!"

Sothe came out and brushed past Bastian. He stood out in the middle of the stage as crickets chirped.

"Umm...Sothe? What are you going to do?"

"I already did it..."

All three judges, as well as the audience, gave him odd looks.

"Umm...alright then?"

"I stole Tormod's and Bastian's wallets when no one was looking."

"Okay then... Soren?"

"That's just plain dumb! I say no. Lucia?"

"In that case, I say yes."

The two glared at each other.

"Leanne?"

"Umm...sure? Why not?"

"Cool."

Sothe walked off stage as Bastian retook the stage.

"Young man! I'd like my wallet back!"

Lucia, Soren, and Leanne hit their buzzers.

"Bastian, just introduce the next contestant."

"Yes, my lov--Lucia!

Out next act is, drum roll please... General Ike? Ah well, if that's what it says, it must be true! Welcome to the show, Ike!"

Bastian walks off to the side of the stage as Ike walks on.

"Hello, Ike. What are you going to do for us today?"

"I will be performing the greatest attack ever...Aether!"

"Erm...okay. Go ahead."

"First, I'll need everyone in the audience to chant 'We like Ike! We like Ike!'"

Lucia smacks her forehead and hits her button as a few people in the crowd begin to cheer 'We like Ike.'

"Come on, everyone now!"

"We...like Ike? We like Ike?"

"Say it like you mean it!"

"We like Ike! We like Ike!"

"Louder! I can't hear you!"

"WE LIKE IKE! WE LIKE IKE!"

"There we go! Keep chanting!"

"WE LIKE IKE! WE LIKE IKE!"

Ike throws his sword up in the air.

"I fight for my friends!"

Leanne hits her button.

Ike jumps up to grab his sword, but instead sends it flying towards Bastian.

"BASTIAN!"

But it was too late; the sword struck the Count of Fayre. Lucia, Renning, Janaff, and the show's team of healers--Mist and Rhys--rushed on stage.

"Ikeeeeeeeeee! What have you doooone?!" Mist shrieked in her shrill voice, causing the whole audience to cover their ears.

"Uhh...did I make it through?"

Lucia glared at Ike, making him cower back in fear.

"I'll, uhh, just be leaving now."

Ike dashed off stage. Renning looked towards the audience as Janaff carried Bastian off-stage, Mist and Rhys following closely behind with their staves.

"Well, it appears we will have to find a new host for the show. We apologize for the inconvenience, but shows will be delayed."

The producer and three judges walked off the stage.

--

Renning took Lucia's arm and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, he'll be alright."

"I know, but still..."

Renning turned to the other two judges.

"Well, it looks like I'll need your assistance in hiring a new judge."

"That's...fine. Poor Bastian..."

"Yeah, sure. As long as we don't get someone as obnoxious... And as long as _someone_ doesn't kick me again."

Lucia glared at Soren as he tried to hide his smirk.

"Whatever."

--

_A/N: Eh, not too bad. I couldn't stand Bastian as host though...writing his parts were too annoying. But now, I'd like suggestions for a new host! Anyone suggested will have an "audition" in the next chapter (or maybe two chapters). The only rules... it has to be an FE 9/10 character, sorry no OC's. And it obviously can't be the judges, contestants, or such (which means not Lucia, Soren, Leanne, Renning, Janaff, Nailah, Geoffrey, Oliver, Kieran, Tormod, Sothe, Ike, Mist, or Rhys...I think that's it.). I'll still be taking suggestions for talents for the future chapters as well._

_And yes, Lucia/Renning. It's only slight though, and probably won't be in many of the chapters._

_Hmm...I think that's all I had to say._


	3. Chapter 3

**Talent-**_**less **_**Tellius**

**Chapter Three**

_A/N: *Family Matters comes on*_

_Heather: Tyler! Sing the theme song!_

_Tyler: *Starts singing* ...to read any good news on the newspaper page... *grabs newspaper and throws it on the ground*_

_Hannah: Okay...I'm gonna pretend that never happened! *gets up from table* Oh, and by the way...this is going in my author's note on fanfiction._

_Well, that was random (and late because that happened like...months ago, but I'm forgetful!)._

_In other news, I have a new fictionpress story! Whoo! It's called 'The Insanity of Teachers'! In the first chapter, my English teacher locked us in a dungeon! Okay, sorry about that, I'm hyper...it's like 3:00 a.m.! This weekend I vowed to sacrifice my personal sanity and update as many fanfics as possible and well...I'm not doing so well! But anyway..._

_It's our host segment thingy! Ha, I don't know what to call it. But let's just say that my new story "World Class Sage" did a little foreshadowing of this chapter. Hehe._

_--_

The three judges were seated in an unusual fashion: Soren on the right, Lucia on the left, and Leanne in between the two, because it was felt they should be separated to cause a little less drama for this show. Oddly enough, a fourth person was sitting to Lucia's left. This man was none other than the producer of the show, Duke Renning.

The four all sat with papers filled with applicant's names and photos on them. As they scrolled through, the fact that the last entry had neither a name nor a photo puzzled them--well, at least three of them. What could be up with _that_? They'd just have to wait and see, for now, it was time to begin the show.

"Before we begin the show today, I'd like to inform everyone of the new show based off our very our Talent-_less_ Tellius! World Class Sage, as the name has been shortened to, gives a brief recap of our show and does a quick interview with the contestants that didn't make it to Sienne!" exclaimed Soren, who was, surprisingly, actually showing a bit of emotion.

Lucia rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, and the main question Calill asks people is whether they hate me or not. Then they talk about how I'm not pretty..."

"Calill doesn't know what she's talking about. I think you're very pretty, Lucia."

"Awww! Thanks, Renning!"

"OKAY! Before I vomit, please!"

"Whatever, Soren. You're just lucky that Leanne's sitting in between you and me, or--"

"Or what?"

"Or I'd strangle you, that's what!"

"Umm...R-Renning?"

"Yes, Leanne, I know. Lucia, Soren, knock it off!"

"What, Soren's head?"

"Lucia! Okay, now we need our host to-- Oh, never mind. Umm...Janaff! Get out here and introduce the judges!"

Janaff sighed and flew out onto the stage.

"Yeah, sure. The annoying one's Soren, the polite one's Leanne, and the mouthy one's Lucia. Oh, and the one that's probably going to fire all of us after this show is Renning."

The hawk flew back off the stage and Soren chuckled.

"Sure, he'll fire all of us except Lucia."

"What was that, Soren?"

"Nothing, Princess."

"Okay, let's just get on with this. If you two continue fighting, I'll throw you in that pit we have in the basement and let Skrimir eat you!"

Everyone stared at the producer blankly.

"Judging by your looks, I hadn't told you about the pit yet... So...let's just forget that happened! Now, for our first applicant, we have...Edward!"

The brunette swordsman bounded out on the stage and waved to the audience. Naturally, the majority of the women began screaming wildly. Renning waited for them to quiet down, flipping through his notes in the meantime.

"Okay, Edward, please tell us why you think you should be our new host."

"Well... I'm pretty funny and I know how to get a crowd screaming, as was just pointed out!"

"Yes, well...what can we expect to see from you if you do become the host?"

"To start off with, Miss Lucia, I won't flirt with you constantly! Actually, not at all!"

"Well, thanks..."

"That's nice and all, but can you actually do anything useful?" questioned the dark-haired mage, completely skipping over Leanne.

"Useful? Sure I can be useful! I can, umm...sing...and fix things!"

"Wow, you might be too overqualified," remarked Soren sarcastically.

"Umm...do I get turn?"

"Oh, yes, Leanne, you do."

"Okay, Edward. If, for instance, Soren and Lucia started fighting, would you stop them from killing me?"

"Yes, Leanne, why do you ask?"

"Well, they're glaring at each other right now, and I just wanted to make sure."

"Soren! Lucia! Am I going to have to get Skrimir out here?"

"No, sir!"

"Of course not, Renning!"

"Good. Now, thank you, Edward. We'll contact you to inform you of our decision later."

"Okay, thanks!"

The man jumped off the stage and ran out of the room.

"Okay, _that_ was weird. Now, we have...Mia!"

The bubbly trueblade ran out on stage while the judges flipped through their papers.

"Welcome to the show, Mia."

"Thanks!!"

"So, what would you be able to bring to the show?"

"Well, I'm exciting and unpredictable! Someone once told me that I was like this big ball of energy!"

"Nice... How much knowledge do you actually have of the show?"

"Oh, I watch it every week! It's such a good show!"

"Right... Now, you say you're unpredictable...are you actually capable of following directions?"

Leanne looked at Soren, completely annoyed by the fact that he had skipped over her once again.

"Oh yeah! I can totally follow directions!"

"Mia, are you always...so excited?"

"Yeah, pretty much! Especially when I don't get much sleep!"

"Oh, that's nice."

Renning leaned over and whispered in Lucia's ear.

"Remind me to make her sleep a full day before the show if we hire her."

"Got it."

"Okay, well thanks, Mia! We'll let you know what we've decided after we've seen all the applicants!"

"Great!"

The woman bounced off the stage and disappeared behind the curtain.

"Next up we have...Devdan!"

The soldier walked out on stage, wearing his armor.

"Actually, it's Danved!"

"But on the application it says..."

"No, you must have read it wrong."

"No, really it says--"

"Soren, why even bother?"

"You know, Lucia, you're actually right for once. Now, Danved, why should you be our new host?"

"Danved will work like ten men! We don't need Largo and Calill because Danved is pretty amazing!"

"Well, he's right about not needing Calill, for sure. Oh...Leanne..."

"Finally I actually get to talk on my turn! So, Danved, what are your interests?"

"Danved like admiring flowers!"

"What in the world...? Why?"

"Flowers are special!"

"Okay then...?"

"Lucia, was that your question?"

"Umm...yeah, I guess."

"Well then, Danved, I don't mean to be rude, but why are you here?"

"Danved would like to be host!"

"Right...we'll get back to you on that then. Okay?"

"Yes. Devdan will be waiting."

"Wait, I thought you were Danved?"

"Danved is Danved."

"But...oh never mind!"

The man left the stage, leaving the judges completely confused.

"Okay...umm...next is...Volke?"

The dark-haired assassin walked out on stage, daggers unsheathed.

"Renning, can I start this one out?"

"Sure, Lucia."

"Okay, well, Volke...would you mind telling me why you have those daggers?"

"I take them with me everywhere I go."

"Yes...but why are they unsheathed?"

"Good question, Princess Leanne. I felt it was necessary for your safety. Lucia and Soren look like they want to kill each other again."

"Lucia! Soren! What did I tell you?!"

"Sorry, Milord."

"Yeah, whatever. Volke, why do you want this job?"

"It pays...and I need the money."

"What do you need it for?"

"For umm...stuff..."

"Yeah, okay then. We'll get back to you."

"Okay."

The man walked off stage, while the producer looked at the last page in his booklet of papers.

"Well, we're at our last applicant, and I understand that we have some video footage to play, correct, Soren?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, play it then."

The footage began with the person holding the camera walking through what appeared to be a hospital. They then walked into a hospital room, revealing Bastian lying there. The man smiled weakly, obviously in pain.

"I just wanted to say hi to everyone and thank Soren for all his help."

The viewers noticed his speech, untypical of the count, and realized just how weak he really was. He wasn't even capable of thinking of something ridiculous to say! Lucia turned to Soren.

"For all your help?"

"Yes, Milady..."

The sage chuckled as he stood up and pulled a remote control out of basically no where.

"Now, watch this."

He toggled a few buttons and a...robot...came out on stage.

"Meet Bastian 2.0! Complete with the pointy shoes and all!"

Lucia just stared at him.

"He's even programmed with catch phrases!"

The sage pressed a button and 'Bastian 2.0' began speaking.

"Be of good cheer, little one. This day, you may weep tears of joy in my loving embrace!"

Lucia smacked her forehead.

"You're not serious, are you? How are we supposed to interview this...thing?!"

"Just ask him a question, Milady."

"Alright...why are you torturing me like this?"

Soren pressed a button.

"Please allow me to place a kiss upon your creamy white hand!"

The swordswoman shook her head sadly.

"Okay, Leanne, your--"

Before Soren could say anything else, the axe that had been lodged in the ceiling for some time now suddenly fell down and crashed on Bastian 2.0. The accident caused sparks to fly from the robot and the judges were forced to take cover behind their table.

"KIERAN!!!! You idiot!"

"See what you did, Soren? You're the real idiot!"

"Oh really?!"

"Okay, you two, don't even start. I think it's safe to stand up now..."

The duke stood up and turned towards one of the cameras.

"Tune in next time to find out who our pick for the new host is!"

--

_A/N: Well...that was...awful. Hopefully someone else'll like it though. I'll be putting a poll up on my profile so everyone can vote for the new host (and sadly, Bastian 2.0 has been destroyed, so he won't be up for the running). I'll probably give it a few weeks then close it down to work on the next chapter. Also, I'll be posting a new chapter of World Class Sage soon, so be looking for that!_

_And thanks to Blue Orbi Angel, FE Frog, spygirly, and meguin the penguin for their suggestions for hosts--even if the last shouldn't have gotten her wish because she said that she wished I would've died in Life Lessons!_

_Oh, and our humane society has a Youtube channel now! And I actually created it and I'm taking (awful) videos for it! Why I needed to point this out, I have no clue! Well, that's it then!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Talent-**_**less**_** Tellius**

**Chapter Four**

--

_A/N: Well, the host went in a three-way tie, so I ended up letting a certain reviewer pick between the three. Who is it? Well, we'll just have to see._

_--_

As soon as the curtain was lifted to reveal the four choices for the new 'Talent-_less_' host, the crowd went wild. Directly in the center of the stage, Edward, Volke, Mia, and Devdan were lined up, respectively, and were waiting to hear the results. The crowd continued to cheer as the three judges and the producer walked out onto the stage. Renning and Lucia walked on the left side of the stage, Leanne and Soren on the right. Both parties met up in front of the applicants and turned their backs to the audience.

Over the still-roaring crowd, Duke Renning spoke up, "Welcome once again, everyone, to this fine night of talent and things that...aren't very talented. Before we get down to judging, we must first reveal who was selected as our new host!"

Lucia smiled and continued, "Yes, now we will reveal the first person that will _not_ be joining us on this season of the show." The lights dimmed as the swordswoman began opening the envelope...just in time for a certain coal-haired sage to rip it from her hands. She tried not to look annoyed as she turned and whispered to him, "What was that for?"

He glared at her and replied, "You were taking too long, missy."

"They told me to take a long time to build suspense, you idiot!" she said, rolling her eyes.

Renning cleared his throat and tapped them both on the shoulders. They turned to see him lip something, the only words they could catch were "Skrimir," "basement," and "pit." Both gulped, understanding exactly what he meant by that, and laughed nervously.

"Now, to get on with this, when I call your name, please exit the stage," Soren ordered, breaking the seal on the envelope and pulling out a small sheet of paper. "Okay, the first person to be eliminated is...Devdan!"

The crowd gasped at the announcement. Soren turned to the orange-armored soldier across from Leanne and made a gesture to get off the stage. The other man looked at him, confusion spread across his features. "Devdan, please exit the stage."

The soldier frowned. "Devdan? Danved is not Devdan. That is a common mistake that lots of people make, but I can assure you, Danved and Devdan are completely different people. You see--"

"Look, I don't really care about your whole life story. Just get off the stage, 'Danved,'" Soren snapped.

The man grunted as he made his way to the stage's exit and disappeared behind the curtain. When he was gone, Lucia leaned over to the producer and whispered in his ear, "Could we throw him in the basement?"

"No, sweetheart," he chuckled.

She shrugged, "Skrimir's going to need to be fed sometime."

"That's why you should stop arguing with Soren, or else I'll have to use you as lion food," he laughed, winking at her. "Now, time to announce our winner!" he exclaimed, handing the envelope to Leanne.

The heron took the envelope and opened it carefully--much to the annoyance of Soren, but Lucia prevented him from snatching it from her. "Winner of contest is... Mia!" Everyone clapped as she shouted this, and the winning swordswoman went absolutely crazy.

Throwing her arms around Renning's neck, she received a deathly glare from Lucia. "Oh, thank you so much, everyone!" the violet-haired girl exclaimed.

Renning awkwardly peeled Mia's arms off of him and patted her on the back. "That's nice and all, but now it's time to prove yourself. Now, take it away..."

--

Once the three judges were seated and Mia had changed into her new hostess uniform--a formal bright green dress and black high-heeled shoes--the girl returned to the stage, ready to start the show. "Hello and welcome, everyone, to the newest segment of 'Talent-less Tellius'! Today we'll be seeing a ton of really great acts--_and_ those that just make you roll your eyes! Please enjoy yourself as the show begins!" the swordswoman exclaimed while walking around the stage. "Now, to get started, we have...Lady Micaiah!"

The bubbly Trueblade exited the stage, followed by the entrance of Queen Micaiah. Soren sighed and, with as pleasant a smile as he could muster, asked her, "So, Micaiah, what will you do for us today?"

"Well, Soren, today I will tell your future--Leanne's and Lucia's as well," the queen answered. "Princess Leanne, I will start with you. Would you mind giving me your hand?"

Lucia and Soren glanced at each other as the silver-haired woman walked up to their judges' table and grabbed a hold of the heron's right hand. She closed her eyes and focused intently for a few moments, her eyes never opening until she finished. Once her reading was complete, she said, "I see a certain raven in your future. He is very powerful, and will ask for your hand in marriage. Your wedding will be beautiful, and...that was all I saw."

She then moved to the hesitant swordswoman next to the heron and took her right hand as well. She once again closed her eyes and stood in complete silence as she read the woman's fortune. Lucia nervously bit her lip as the queen stood before her.

When the woman finally opened her eyes, she smiled. "I've seen your wedding as well. It's simple, yet elegant. Your father is positively beaming, your mother's weeping, and your brother is...attempting a smile. The groom...I cannot see him," she whispered.

"What she means is that the groom is Bastian," Soren snickered.

Shooting a glance to the man beside her, Lucia laughed nervously. "Whatever you say, Soren. Thank you, Lady Micaiah."

The queen then took Soren's left hand and held onto it tightly as the sage struggled to break free. "If you don't stop moving, I won't be able to read your future," she warned.

"Who said I wanted my future read by _you_?" he mumbled. His comment was met with a swift kick to his leg. He glared over at Lucia and sighed, "Fine, do your stupid reading."

Micaiah nodded her head as she began the process. Once she was finished she took a deep breath and began, "There honestly isn't much in your future. You will live past most of your friends--or rather, companions--and you will die alone. That is all."

Trying to suppress a fit of laughter, Lucia turned to Micaiah. "All right, now we will vote to determine whether or not you will move on to the next round. Leanne, you're first."

"Y-Yes, most definitely," the heron giggled.

"I say no," Soren grumbled. "You don't have talent. You just made up a bunch of stuff."

"Aw, Soren, are you upset because of your lonely future?" Lucia taunted. "Queen Micaiah, you shall move on to the next round."

The queen smiled. "Thank you."

Soon the queen departed and Mia took her place on stage, ready to announce the name of the next contestant. As she bounded out onto the stage, the Trueblade glanced at the piece of paper in her hands. "Next up, we have...Ilyana!" her voice boomed.

After the woman had exited the stage, the room was silent for a couple of minutes. The judges glanced at each other before Zihark and Mordecai pulled a large table out from behind the curtain. The two grumbled as they made multiple trips to and from the table, placing dishes on its wooden top. Once they were finished, Ilyana came out and stood before the table, facing the judges.

"Well, Ilyana, what will you do for us today?" the azure-haired swordswoman asked, though she already had a pretty good idea of what the girl's answer would be.

"I'm going to eat...all of this..." the girl managed, looking as if she would faint on the spot.

Soren gasped. "_All_ of it?"

"Yes," the girl said, confused as to why he would question her about such a thing.

Soren merely motioned for her to begin, too stunned and disbelieving to say anything. The mage walked to the other side of the table and took a seat in the chair Mordecai had brought for her. She took one look at the food spread out before her on the table and began eating.

She shoved spoonfuls of mashed potatoes down her throat, ripped the chicken from the bone, threw the assortment of berries into her mouth, and gulped down the glasses of water. She ate chunks of cheese, devoured an entire cake, swallowed whole sardines, munched on three or four apples, and chomped on cucumbers. Peanuts, lettuce, pork, cooked eggs, bacon, carrots, sausage, and slices of bread were also eaten greedily.

When it came time for the last bite, the violet-haired woman glanced at the drumstick momentarily before ripping the meat from the bone and swallowing it without even chewing it beforehand. The girl then stood up and walked back over to the other side of the table, facing the judges once more.

When the judges said nothing, Ilyana spoke up, "Well?"

"I...uhh...S-Soren?" Lucia stuttered.

Blinking twice, the raven-haired mage managed, "Well, Ilyana--"

"The meat! It burns my eyes!" Leanne screamed, interrupting Soren.

The sage stared at her a moment before continuing, "Actually, Ilyana, I thought that it was pretty entertaining. I say yes. Lucia?"

"Ilyana," the woman sighed, "as I've said, I think you need some serious help. I have to say no. ...Leanne?"

"No, no, no!!" the heron screamed. "...Painful...watch..."

"All right then. Ilyana, I'm sorry, but you aren't moving on," Lucia explained.

The woman shrugged. "That's fine...I'm hungry anyway."

The woman then disappeared backstage--most likely to destroy the refreshment table--and her own table and all the dishes were removed by Zihark and Mordecai. Mia then walked onstage to introduce their next "talented" person.

"Okay, and our next act...does not have a name! Um, I'm not sure why that is, but let's hear it for...that person!" the woman yelled, causing the crowd to clap.

The crowd instantly stopped their uproar when the contestant walked out on stage. His brown locks were unruly, his dirty white armor dragged across the floor, and a smug smile spread across his face. Instantly, the two female judges hit their buzzers. After Soren glanced at their pleading faces, he too hit his buzzer.

"W-What?! They didn't even give me a chance! This isn't fair!" Ludveck cried as two of the security guards rushed out onto the stage. Janaff and Volug grabbed his wrists and began dragging him offstage as he continued, "I was here to teach you all how to successfully pull off a rebellion!"

"Yeah, because he is so _great_ at that!" Mia joked as she walked back onstage. "Well, everyone, that's all we have time for today! Be sure to tune in next time, and don't forget to watch our eliminated contestants on _World Class Sage!_ Until then...remember to never try any of these stunts at home!"

--

_A/N: Worst. Chapter. Ever. Anyway, the new chapter of _World Class Sage_ should be up sometime tomorrow. I don't know when this will get updated again, but I already have it planned out, and we'll get to see Oscar's, Makalov's, Ranulf's, and Mordecai's talents._


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